Challenging Myself

It is obvious with your thought, intentions and actions that people fall into second place, while self is the top priority. If people were really your top priority, then you would have stayed here for them, not just because you can’t bear to leave them, but also because you shouldn’t have cheated them in this year-long commitment, keeping this from them all the while. This show that you can for anything to other people just to meet aims of the self.

You always said that you want to be a sincere person who give yourself to other people and treat your friends as important. You always complain that other people change, they do not care, not sincere and are not compassionate enough. Now you are the very one who is like this. Are you totally going against your own cause in life? Do you even have a cause in life? Are you totally confused about what you want in life? Why can’t you stay strong & stand firm in your aim in life? Can you please find your proper direction in life before making more people suffer because of your decisions!

Do you have morals and principles? I thought you’ve decided to change and be committed to people around you? Are you stopping halfway and reverting back to your old self of keeping people at bay and keep feeling sad for yourself? Do you know that what you are doing now is doing exactly that and you will be unconfident again for the rest of your university life?

Why do you want to get into such a practical way of living life so soon? So opportunistic like in the adult work? Why can’t you be totally sincere and be foolishly giving to your friends and do everything for your friends? This will be a once-in-a-lifetime! You will never be able to do it ever again in your life!

every nite, i feel very tired, even though i might be hyped with interweaved naps thru'out the day.

FB has not enough space. cant take it anymore. so muh thoughts and feeling tht i dunno how to put them in statuses ...

spoke a lot with kp. thot a lot. everything appeared optimistic in the day, i progressed with things, but every nite, things look bad, maybe coz the day has to end. there's one good thing this week tho, sher & veron jio me for mambo @ esplanade & mambo @ zouk respectively. but why did they have to wait until week 11? too stressed to spare time to go ...

i have too many things in my mind to be in equilibrium & to do things properly now. but even if i disregard that & be focused, i still feel tht it's qte hard to handle what i want to get now. i dunno. the timing is definitely not the best, perhaps it's totally wrong timing. but ... i dunno ... i get some signals, but seems like it goes out to everyone else. so now i dun even know what's going on. i would perhaps just say, i give it just 2 more days. next week i'm going home ... it's too shag to be just hanging around. the sleep is just not very quality it seems. i fall aslp a lot even in the most improbable situations.

maybe i shld jus settle for someone who really cares, not for someone i like. then again it should be both of these combined with matching personalities.

ok, the other option is to totally disregard human relations or perhaps not look for anyone to depend on emotionally. but i think it's hard to do. i wont be able to take it thinking tht no one on this earth really cares for me.

might be all over the place but perhaps i shldn't, i mean by right i shldn't expect anything at the start. but it's jus a bit tiring

a lot to reflect on ...

looking back at the previous & thinking about the future makes me realise that things will still go bad if i do not reflect upon myself and change for the better.

a few problems which was due to me included:

1. i wasn't much interested in telling her about what was happening for me day-to-day ... usually she was the one talking a lot about her days the whole time

2. both of us were not very proactive in keeping each other together

at this point, it does seem like this kinda game will not be excelled in in our society because we're bunch of ppl with ourselves at the central focus & quite a bit of bochupness (be it willing/ unwilling)

will continue ...

actually i shld get my context & emotions correct. i am choosing between 2 great things and not choosing between 2 disasters, jus that choosing either will entail giving up the other good thing. i sort of need a promise & assurance frm either side to tell me they will stay by me and not let me lose what i may gain/have. of course nobody would do that for me. in this consideration tho, to maintain the current state would definitely be safer and more likely to be a continuation of what i already have. the alternative is something really uncertain from scratch and can potentially be disastrous. but i know whatever the outcome, i at least need to know i've gave it a chance and tried. this way i'd have no regret of not trying and can have a peace of mind ...

How would ppl see me?

Some1 who has made a promise blindly, and that all the previous words he said were actually fake.
So I'm actually thinking of posting this situation to the ppl coz i think they matter and their opinion should be taken into account in this decision. It prolly doesn't matter that much how ppl would see me or how my reputation will be as a result of this. It is what best SHOULD be done that matters the most.
my wise fren is against this coz he thinks that ppl will respond to the very notion of me considering the options, very badly.
my irrelevant fren said tho, that if these ppl were really ppl who cared abt me and considered me as a person etc, then they might not be so heartless & unforgiving.
well ... i think both sides make sense.

if i were to be hated, ...

i always think that nothing matters much. simply coz it doesn't matter even if i cease to exist. it really doesn't seem like the world would be any different without me around. 1 less person to say "Hi" to, one less person to make u a bit happier, one less emo-FB status to comment on, (...) one less person to talk abt life & share memories with. but none of these does really matter coz they could be easily replaced. there are 6bil ppl in the world, somebody will make a similar effect. i would even expect more than 1 person(tht'd be my mum) to cry for long. givit a week, the whole world returns to equilibrium, the 'life goes on' thing comes on again. this is one of the biggest 'i-dun-getits' abt life:

"If Life goes on whatever the hell happens, what the hell matters at all?"

The other one is:
"If Life could be good just coz you think it is, and bad just coz u think it's bad, then would Life be just a huge self-deception?"

I've been trying to ignore the 2nd one by just taking in whatever that is fun & good in my life!
The first one just set in but ya, i'm trying to come to terms with it, since apparently nothing matters to me either.

a dream which i might regret for life if i gave up.
no other foreseable chance in my life, or at least not of the same nature.

this is weighed against destroying & giving up what i've already realistically built up.

it's like thinking of whether to go for a very quality Escapade while destroying your own life.

i'm a person full of angst. my most impt thing is care & appreciation and i need a lot of care.
i see what i think are unfairness & fuzzy processes going on.
coupled with what i think is underappreciation, i do bear a bit of unhappiness, tho it has finally stopped now. maybe it's all my misconception and that the truth is i totally got this whole world wrong, but what i saw was ppl getting away with things and getting in thru unseen mtds. sum1 wise told me it's jus luck, but in any case, the effect on me is done.

but now they look real nice & i can feel tht things are getting real good and i dun think they're fake or lacking.
will it be bad to still make decisions rmbing what happened in the past?
i had devoted almost my whole time before i reach this stage. would it make tht great a difference if i continued to really devote?
or should i go chase something else? something which is a long-term dream?

treat this as a plead: if u r reading my blog, please comment coz i really need those during this period in the next few posts coming up ...
it has come a time when i should sum up my recent thots & feelings ...
1st, as baselines, i'm a pessimist, extremist & escapist.
perhaps it has been the way i look at things and how i want things to be the way i want, and so i love escaping when things are not the way i want
i've always thot that i need this place i'm in does not have the type of ppl i want, those who really care abt one another and that they give high priorities to ppl. but the thing i see abt my place is that ppl do everything for themselves, and that the priorities of ppl are really to do well for themselves.
so i think that i'd escape this place the moment i get a good chance to, in the hope of finding ppl who may be like-minded or at least placed caring & loving as their priorities. i mean, this is what keeps me going and i guess it is one of the fundamental needs of humans.

I am perhaps also someone who is consistently uncontented with what i have and hence always fighting to do more. perhaps tht's one reason why i'm always so greedy and want so many things in my life and i cant bear to give up any of the opportunities which i can get ...

I had thot that my uni.life would just keep getting better, but it had just peaked.

The most comforting way of looking at this is that there are tens of thousands of same-gender competitors in this game, how could you expect yourself not to at least lose your customer trice?

I had known right from the start that i was not fated for anything and so i didn't think i should start. Looks like i made the wrong decision again.

Thinking about current situation ...

It's time to forget about how i feel & put emotions aside and do some logical stuff. The situation was that she smsed me and said, "let's just be frens," saying that she had been thinking about it for quite long especially during the vietnam trip ...she listed the following reason:
incompatibility of charactersme being insensitive and uncaring towards hertrigger event of me talking to sishan on the train in vietnam about cameras while she was coughing on the bed and i did not show any concern

on my side i thot that in this relationship:she was the priority: much of the things we did were what she wanted toe.g. we usually went shopping for her things; went for FOOT stuff while she NEVER did join in trek stuff; going her house, not mine

there were things which i said i wanted to do, but they always ended up not being donee.g. Omnimax Movie, Photography exhibitioni guess that's what she meant by character incompatibility. that's why she didn't go eventually even tho she tried to agreed to go with me.

to be continued ...

i feel like a timid girl. today i did something wrong. i apologized. we were quite. then said i should treat the rest to the drinks for the night. she said that i should start saving up. i toned down a bit and said, "if you are really serious about it, we could spend less."

she said, "are you trying to pick a fight with me?!"

i said, "no ..."

i didn't say much after that. i really felt like i was the girl and she was the man. i should have been more manly? maybe. but i didn't want to make things big. it would really have escalated into a fuming argument at least. i'm either a peacekeeper or a destroyer. if i had wanted to be man, which anger can made me into, i would have given all out to get back my pride as a man. but i really didn't want to destroy everything and i still want to try and make this relationship good. i know i'll stop sometime, but fortunately i haven see it coming yet.

they were saying a fewe things which didn't sound sincere. they were trying to bluff me what they were doing there. they said keep repeating the fact that i was a tv "star". they were saying that the place i went & the board games were "very fun what", but they didn't sound like they meant it. they must have disliked me, i suspected. after a while of talking, asking about what they were doing there & where we, as in they & me, should go, they started taking my things, my d90, my bag & my paper bag. it didn't seem to be intended, not to mention planned. it was only an attempt to make me stay with them. i asked them where they were going, they said they were going wherever i was going. then they started suggesting that i treated them to a 1st round quoting reasons like i'm a tv star and that i was the only one who started working and then subsequently they'd treat me for the 2nd & 3rd rounds. they suggested that a few times and then said that any treat of drink will do, even a coffeeshop will do. so i was very alright with it, and immediately said, "sure, why not?!" thru'out this, we went up to the 2nd floor, took a picture, then came down to the lobby, then up again for the treat at the bar. all the while everyone was laughing away, apparently happily, even in the photo we took together. so then we were back in the bar seated after ordering for 7 cokes, then it became 6 coke 1 orange & eventually it became 5 coke 1 orange & 1 sprite. then the waitress dished out the menu saying that the kitchen was closing and asked for our last order, so i just got them some medium german sausage for them too.
at the table they behaves like jokers as they have always been in front of everybody else. just that i noticed anil talking about taking photos, like refering to me taking photos perhaps frequently or something. it was mentioned a few more times during the whole thing, and i kept saying that i took enough during our recon course in army, hoping that they know that i admit that i slacked off the main training to take photos. they also did keep asking me for signature and kept telling the waitress that i was a tv actor & stuff, but of course no one recognized me, which was what i told them too.

i asked for 5min frm liping & other frens to wait for my bill, but it turned out to be more than 15min eventually. as usual, i wanted to protect my cool & image. so i didn't explain more to liping on the phone and waited patiently for the bill though i did ask for it to be printed & settled then.

the main point of this thing is, i'm not too sure whether this whole thing was done out of happiness or dislike. at first look when in the situation, i felt that they were picking on the facts that i was perhaps vocal & "outstanding" and also always taking photos. i thought that they should have disliked these facts and so they were trying to tell me that. that's me. i've a strong sense of competitiveness & crisis. i interpret many actions as opposing me. for example people who get a post or do better than me, they win and i lose. so i'll feel i'm worse off that them. because of this kind of mentality, i interpreted their actions as against me, saying that i'm worse or bad. but looking back at it now, they were caught by surprise by me, so they shouldn't have had much time to sychronize their actions if those were truly against me. or perhaps they already had an agreed impression of me before that.

but it could also be the case where they just loved to talk cock and so they just kept talking and complementing one another. they really looked and sounded quite happy laughing away and wasn't at all unfriendly at any time. so it could be that they were not too sure of what the others were thinking anyway ... but they just continued talking. we guys have always been like that. it's just like a birthday strip kinda format.

in fact this whole society down here somewhat works like this too. when we talk we don't always mean it and are not always so sincere. we're not too sure of what one another are thinking or trying to say, but we just continue talking for the effects of it, placing less importance on the meanings of the content. this way of commnicating and socializing took me a while to accept when i was young, and has now been taking me time to excel in. i reall didn't like it when i was young and told people like my cycling buddy about it. but i guess now, i'm officially in the game, until i get out of the place.

alright, i think that i handled this well. it could have been a struggle or fight if i had turned nasty at their pushiness. but i put up a nice front & in the end the probable initial dislike became happiness and everyone's happy! :) perhaps this is how simple guys are?

perhaps a bit of background. i'm thinking i was too outspoken, vocal & attract attention when i was in army and gave people the impression i only take photos to slack off from duty. i still don't think i did anything wrong. i want to just be myself and freely express myself and be able to jump out of the norm and voice out whenever i think i need to, with the volume and force i want to. yup. so no regrets still. i hope not as many people dislike me now ... hah ...

my dad told me not to spend as much as possible and try to minimize things and entertainment and try to get free entertainment. he told me to throw away things which i do not use/ need. he said i shouldn't spend so much when i haven really started working. he said that i should give those presents from others, as another present for the others.

Who can help me to get out of this situation?

i dunno
she expects things
she doesn't wan me to do some things

i always thot i could do whatever she wans me to
i have been trying to

hopefully she's happy this way & tht she will not be angry

hm ... i have what i naturally am & want
i wan to learn hip hop, skydive, she doesn't wan me to

she says i should rest & not tire myself out
i think if not now, it's never, when i grow older

she thinks i'm ambitious, joining so many things
i think i need to push myself & thing, coz i'm a HUGE lazy procrastinator

i know i will never overpush myself coz i always want to slack

maybe joining many things will make me less focused on each of them
but she din mention tht, implying tht's not the point?

but hip hop is what i have been wanting to learn
i keep pushing things back. i have to stop that & start doing it

At all cost!
But i guess her point is just tht i shldn't join. :(

i told her on msn i will try to change & be lazy so that i will not want to learn new things anymore. but i'm sad to do tht. :( if i really have to do that. i really need to have some help. :(

"i dun know why you are so hostile these days"

hm ... let's try and seive out all the possible reasons why i might have been hostile this morning

we met on the mrt & talked about her cut on the hand and how she could sleep in the office in the mornings because not many people are needed.

"it's not as if we sell fish ... we only need to sign ..." was what she told me when i exclaimed at how they could sleep in the office, "they are friendly people and they won't wake me up even when I sleep."

so it's fine till here i guess ...

i pointed to her bag's side pouch, "you dun wan to zip ar?"

"there's nothing inside"
"there's something inside, think it's tissue or something"
"aiya haha ... tissue people want to take let them take loh. if they really urgent & need, let them take loh ..."
"that's not what i meant. i meant i just want to remind you if you had wanted to zip."
"no. i din want to zip. why cant you take jokes? ok. maybe i cant take jokes too."
"err ... herher ..."

Then the whole time after that we din talk. I held her hand while we were walking but it slipped off later because i allowed the jelly hand to.

when we reached her bus stop, we started talking about the problems. accordingly i din get it. when we were approaching her workplace, as an ending off statement, i said,

"I hope I didn't spoil you day."

"You did!" and she went off to her office.

"The next time I don't come with you." I shouted out loud to her in a distance.

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what about last night?

she sent me hasty sms replies. so i could see that she's really busy and didn't really prefer to reply. i understood that and so did not even send a good night message.

this morning she asked me whether i was going to school. i replied "i thot i told you last night i going to school?" i was wondering how come she din know even when i sent her sms.

later in the morning she explained to me that she din even reply some of the other people at all. sounds fair and priveleged to me.

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these days she has in a way been appearing tired and sleepy and she has been saying that i've been hostile and agressive. but i dunno where are the problems and am not in the mood to solve the problems.

at the same time i dun wish to find out that this whole thing is totally my fault.

just one more thot that perhaps girls dun really do what they always say either. for e.g. in this case, girls always ask guys to be more appreciative, things like "i'm doing this for you. instead of showing gratitude, you're showing me displeasure." this is what exactly i felt these few days. feels like not only was the accompaniment to school not needed, it turned out destructive and making it a worser experience to school. really feel like stopping these all together, feel so useless.