Rinjani trip: for storage online

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Travel stories - Discover Asia Deep with SilkAir

My first time travelling with silkair turned out to be an experience of a lifetime! As an avid ascenders of numerous moutains in south east Asia, I was expecting this trip to Lombok to be like any other mountain-ascending trips, only that it has an active volcano on it. However, this trip gave me a lot of surprising takeaways which were totally out of my expectations.


Climbing Mount Rinjani was

it turned out as a totally eye-opening trip which touched my heart deeply.



Frens who were very open, frenly, responsive & sincere.

Kept contrasting between the more developed cities and the small city of lombok.

in persepctive

i have been great with my new attitude.

my old self tried to re-surface.

the pessimistic-for-nothing self.

the self which wants to be really dependent & wants to totally rely on others

the self which expects the world to do everything for me

it seems like a pretty impractical thing to do

at least for the losses imminent, shld i keep with that.

i have to make a choice between pushing for a practically-useful attitude

& getting back emo-ing again, be weak, all in the name actualizing my bare, real personal feelings

seriously, after trying it that way for so many times, have i not learnt it yet?

am i gonna destroy more things, wasting more time, youth & opportunities in life?

the choice seems obvious

but now it's about HOW to do it.

1st, things are actually pretty wonderful, until i start to think about a lot of things

that's always the problem with myself. i always generate random emotions without much grounds or even reasons.

what i always should have really done is to give 2nd thot to my feelings. to confirm if i'd destroy things for nothing, feeling that way i feel ... let me work on that for now. :) hope i'm on my way to a really close & long-lasting relationship! :)

problem?

extend the sweetness & this nice enjoyment


1. Willingness to make it work - Check

2. Compatibility - ?

3.


She was strong & direct about this:

when i showed my lack of confidence,

she told me, "you know what? when i started out with you, i had another choice you know?"

"i was choosing between the 2 of you."


i'd say she's qte cool

heart-felt stuff going on

old self re-emerging

my old pessimistic self

how i love to shoot myself in the foot

i need someone who cares about nothing but me

i need someone who's totally for me

i need someone who knows that i am just pessimistic and would do great as long as she loves me


she doesn't really seem to be that kind

when i said, "all i need is probably reassurance"

"like i care," was what she said.

i'd just like to ask if someone who fully matches me, exists.


she's captured by the interesting & the images

while i, look only for love.


i might be tired of these things

tired of getting ejected from places which find me unsuitable


i am indeed confused.

i have such bouts of emotional waves which stem from no reasons

this is very unhealthy

& it would probably be one of the fatal reasons for the ends of my relationships


i need a lot of patience from her.

but who on earth has that?

Challenging Myself

It is obvious with your thought, intentions and actions that people fall into second place, while self is the top priority. If people were really your top priority, then you would have stayed here for them, not just because you can’t bear to leave them, but also because you shouldn’t have cheated them in this year-long commitment, keeping this from them all the while. This show that you can for anything to other people just to meet aims of the self.

You always said that you want to be a sincere person who give yourself to other people and treat your friends as important. You always complain that other people change, they do not care, not sincere and are not compassionate enough. Now you are the very one who is like this. Are you totally going against your own cause in life? Do you even have a cause in life? Are you totally confused about what you want in life? Why can’t you stay strong & stand firm in your aim in life? Can you please find your proper direction in life before making more people suffer because of your decisions!

Do you have morals and principles? I thought you’ve decided to change and be committed to people around you? Are you stopping halfway and reverting back to your old self of keeping people at bay and keep feeling sad for yourself? Do you know that what you are doing now is doing exactly that and you will be unconfident again for the rest of your university life?

Why do you want to get into such a practical way of living life so soon? So opportunistic like in the adult work? Why can’t you be totally sincere and be foolishly giving to your friends and do everything for your friends? This will be a once-in-a-lifetime! You will never be able to do it ever again in your life!

every nite, i feel very tired, even though i might be hyped with interweaved naps thru'out the day.

FB has not enough space. cant take it anymore. so muh thoughts and feeling tht i dunno how to put them in statuses ...

spoke a lot with kp. thot a lot. everything appeared optimistic in the day, i progressed with things, but every nite, things look bad, maybe coz the day has to end. there's one good thing this week tho, sher & veron jio me for mambo @ esplanade & mambo @ zouk respectively. but why did they have to wait until week 11? too stressed to spare time to go ...

i have too many things in my mind to be in equilibrium & to do things properly now. but even if i disregard that & be focused, i still feel tht it's qte hard to handle what i want to get now. i dunno. the timing is definitely not the best, perhaps it's totally wrong timing. but ... i dunno ... i get some signals, but seems like it goes out to everyone else. so now i dun even know what's going on. i would perhaps just say, i give it just 2 more days. next week i'm going home ... it's too shag to be just hanging around. the sleep is just not very quality it seems. i fall aslp a lot even in the most improbable situations.

maybe i shld jus settle for someone who really cares, not for someone i like. then again it should be both of these combined with matching personalities.

ok, the other option is to totally disregard human relations or perhaps not look for anyone to depend on emotionally. but i think it's hard to do. i wont be able to take it thinking tht no one on this earth really cares for me.

might be all over the place but perhaps i shldn't, i mean by right i shldn't expect anything at the start. but it's jus a bit tiring

a lot to reflect on ...

looking back at the previous & thinking about the future makes me realise that things will still go bad if i do not reflect upon myself and change for the better.

a few problems which was due to me included:

1. i wasn't much interested in telling her about what was happening for me day-to-day ... usually she was the one talking a lot about her days the whole time

2. both of us were not very proactive in keeping each other together

at this point, it does seem like this kinda game will not be excelled in in our society because we're bunch of ppl with ourselves at the central focus & quite a bit of bochupness (be it willing/ unwilling)

will continue ...

actually i shld get my context & emotions correct. i am choosing between 2 great things and not choosing between 2 disasters, jus that choosing either will entail giving up the other good thing. i sort of need a promise & assurance frm either side to tell me they will stay by me and not let me lose what i may gain/have. of course nobody would do that for me. in this consideration tho, to maintain the current state would definitely be safer and more likely to be a continuation of what i already have. the alternative is something really uncertain from scratch and can potentially be disastrous. but i know whatever the outcome, i at least need to know i've gave it a chance and tried. this way i'd have no regret of not trying and can have a peace of mind ...

How would ppl see me?

Some1 who has made a promise blindly, and that all the previous words he said were actually fake.
So I'm actually thinking of posting this situation to the ppl coz i think they matter and their opinion should be taken into account in this decision. It prolly doesn't matter that much how ppl would see me or how my reputation will be as a result of this. It is what best SHOULD be done that matters the most.
my wise fren is against this coz he thinks that ppl will respond to the very notion of me considering the options, very badly.
my irrelevant fren said tho, that if these ppl were really ppl who cared abt me and considered me as a person etc, then they might not be so heartless & unforgiving.
well ... i think both sides make sense.

if i were to be hated, ...

i always think that nothing matters much. simply coz it doesn't matter even if i cease to exist. it really doesn't seem like the world would be any different without me around. 1 less person to say "Hi" to, one less person to make u a bit happier, one less emo-FB status to comment on, (...) one less person to talk abt life & share memories with. but none of these does really matter coz they could be easily replaced. there are 6bil ppl in the world, somebody will make a similar effect. i would even expect more than 1 person(tht'd be my mum) to cry for long. givit a week, the whole world returns to equilibrium, the 'life goes on' thing comes on again. this is one of the biggest 'i-dun-getits' abt life:

"If Life goes on whatever the hell happens, what the hell matters at all?"

The other one is:
"If Life could be good just coz you think it is, and bad just coz u think it's bad, then would Life be just a huge self-deception?"

I've been trying to ignore the 2nd one by just taking in whatever that is fun & good in my life!
The first one just set in but ya, i'm trying to come to terms with it, since apparently nothing matters to me either.

a dream which i might regret for life if i gave up.
no other foreseable chance in my life, or at least not of the same nature.

this is weighed against destroying & giving up what i've already realistically built up.

it's like thinking of whether to go for a very quality Escapade while destroying your own life.

i'm a person full of angst. my most impt thing is care & appreciation and i need a lot of care.
i see what i think are unfairness & fuzzy processes going on.
coupled with what i think is underappreciation, i do bear a bit of unhappiness, tho it has finally stopped now. maybe it's all my misconception and that the truth is i totally got this whole world wrong, but what i saw was ppl getting away with things and getting in thru unseen mtds. sum1 wise told me it's jus luck, but in any case, the effect on me is done.

but now they look real nice & i can feel tht things are getting real good and i dun think they're fake or lacking.
will it be bad to still make decisions rmbing what happened in the past?
i had devoted almost my whole time before i reach this stage. would it make tht great a difference if i continued to really devote?
or should i go chase something else? something which is a long-term dream?

treat this as a plead: if u r reading my blog, please comment coz i really need those during this period in the next few posts coming up ...
it has come a time when i should sum up my recent thots & feelings ...
1st, as baselines, i'm a pessimist, extremist & escapist.
perhaps it has been the way i look at things and how i want things to be the way i want, and so i love escaping when things are not the way i want
i've always thot that i need this place i'm in does not have the type of ppl i want, those who really care abt one another and that they give high priorities to ppl. but the thing i see abt my place is that ppl do everything for themselves, and that the priorities of ppl are really to do well for themselves.
so i think that i'd escape this place the moment i get a good chance to, in the hope of finding ppl who may be like-minded or at least placed caring & loving as their priorities. i mean, this is what keeps me going and i guess it is one of the fundamental needs of humans.

I am perhaps also someone who is consistently uncontented with what i have and hence always fighting to do more. perhaps tht's one reason why i'm always so greedy and want so many things in my life and i cant bear to give up any of the opportunities which i can get ...