actually i shld get my context & emotions correct. i am choosing between 2 great things and not choosing between 2 disasters, jus that choosing either will entail giving up the other good thing. i sort of need a promise & assurance frm either side to tell me they will stay by me and not let me lose what i may gain/have. of course nobody would do that for me. in this consideration tho, to maintain the current state would definitely be safer and more likely to be a continuation of what i already have. the alternative is something really uncertain from scratch and can potentially be disastrous. but i know whatever the outcome, i at least need to know i've gave it a chance and tried. this way i'd have no regret of not trying and can have a peace of mind ...

How would ppl see me?

Some1 who has made a promise blindly, and that all the previous words he said were actually fake.
So I'm actually thinking of posting this situation to the ppl coz i think they matter and their opinion should be taken into account in this decision. It prolly doesn't matter that much how ppl would see me or how my reputation will be as a result of this. It is what best SHOULD be done that matters the most.
my wise fren is against this coz he thinks that ppl will respond to the very notion of me considering the options, very badly.
my irrelevant fren said tho, that if these ppl were really ppl who cared abt me and considered me as a person etc, then they might not be so heartless & unforgiving.
well ... i think both sides make sense.

if i were to be hated, ...

i always think that nothing matters much. simply coz it doesn't matter even if i cease to exist. it really doesn't seem like the world would be any different without me around. 1 less person to say "Hi" to, one less person to make u a bit happier, one less emo-FB status to comment on, (...) one less person to talk abt life & share memories with. but none of these does really matter coz they could be easily replaced. there are 6bil ppl in the world, somebody will make a similar effect. i would even expect more than 1 person(tht'd be my mum) to cry for long. givit a week, the whole world returns to equilibrium, the 'life goes on' thing comes on again. this is one of the biggest 'i-dun-getits' abt life:

"If Life goes on whatever the hell happens, what the hell matters at all?"

The other one is:
"If Life could be good just coz you think it is, and bad just coz u think it's bad, then would Life be just a huge self-deception?"

I've been trying to ignore the 2nd one by just taking in whatever that is fun & good in my life!
The first one just set in but ya, i'm trying to come to terms with it, since apparently nothing matters to me either.

a dream which i might regret for life if i gave up.
no other foreseable chance in my life, or at least not of the same nature.

this is weighed against destroying & giving up what i've already realistically built up.

it's like thinking of whether to go for a very quality Escapade while destroying your own life.

i'm a person full of angst. my most impt thing is care & appreciation and i need a lot of care.
i see what i think are unfairness & fuzzy processes going on.
coupled with what i think is underappreciation, i do bear a bit of unhappiness, tho it has finally stopped now. maybe it's all my misconception and that the truth is i totally got this whole world wrong, but what i saw was ppl getting away with things and getting in thru unseen mtds. sum1 wise told me it's jus luck, but in any case, the effect on me is done.

but now they look real nice & i can feel tht things are getting real good and i dun think they're fake or lacking.
will it be bad to still make decisions rmbing what happened in the past?
i had devoted almost my whole time before i reach this stage. would it make tht great a difference if i continued to really devote?
or should i go chase something else? something which is a long-term dream?

treat this as a plead: if u r reading my blog, please comment coz i really need those during this period in the next few posts coming up ...
it has come a time when i should sum up my recent thots & feelings ...
1st, as baselines, i'm a pessimist, extremist & escapist.
perhaps it has been the way i look at things and how i want things to be the way i want, and so i love escaping when things are not the way i want
i've always thot that i need this place i'm in does not have the type of ppl i want, those who really care abt one another and that they give high priorities to ppl. but the thing i see abt my place is that ppl do everything for themselves, and that the priorities of ppl are really to do well for themselves.
so i think that i'd escape this place the moment i get a good chance to, in the hope of finding ppl who may be like-minded or at least placed caring & loving as their priorities. i mean, this is what keeps me going and i guess it is one of the fundamental needs of humans.

I am perhaps also someone who is consistently uncontented with what i have and hence always fighting to do more. perhaps tht's one reason why i'm always so greedy and want so many things in my life and i cant bear to give up any of the opportunities which i can get ...