i feel like a timid girl. today i did something wrong. i apologized. we were quite. then said i should treat the rest to the drinks for the night. she said that i should start saving up. i toned down a bit and said, "if you are really serious about it, we could spend less."

she said, "are you trying to pick a fight with me?!"

i said, "no ..."

i didn't say much after that. i really felt like i was the girl and she was the man. i should have been more manly? maybe. but i didn't want to make things big. it would really have escalated into a fuming argument at least. i'm either a peacekeeper or a destroyer. if i had wanted to be man, which anger can made me into, i would have given all out to get back my pride as a man. but i really didn't want to destroy everything and i still want to try and make this relationship good. i know i'll stop sometime, but fortunately i haven see it coming yet.

they were saying a fewe things which didn't sound sincere. they were trying to bluff me what they were doing there. they said keep repeating the fact that i was a tv "star". they were saying that the place i went & the board games were "very fun what", but they didn't sound like they meant it. they must have disliked me, i suspected. after a while of talking, asking about what they were doing there & where we, as in they & me, should go, they started taking my things, my d90, my bag & my paper bag. it didn't seem to be intended, not to mention planned. it was only an attempt to make me stay with them. i asked them where they were going, they said they were going wherever i was going. then they started suggesting that i treated them to a 1st round quoting reasons like i'm a tv star and that i was the only one who started working and then subsequently they'd treat me for the 2nd & 3rd rounds. they suggested that a few times and then said that any treat of drink will do, even a coffeeshop will do. so i was very alright with it, and immediately said, "sure, why not?!" thru'out this, we went up to the 2nd floor, took a picture, then came down to the lobby, then up again for the treat at the bar. all the while everyone was laughing away, apparently happily, even in the photo we took together. so then we were back in the bar seated after ordering for 7 cokes, then it became 6 coke 1 orange & eventually it became 5 coke 1 orange & 1 sprite. then the waitress dished out the menu saying that the kitchen was closing and asked for our last order, so i just got them some medium german sausage for them too.
at the table they behaves like jokers as they have always been in front of everybody else. just that i noticed anil talking about taking photos, like refering to me taking photos perhaps frequently or something. it was mentioned a few more times during the whole thing, and i kept saying that i took enough during our recon course in army, hoping that they know that i admit that i slacked off the main training to take photos. they also did keep asking me for signature and kept telling the waitress that i was a tv actor & stuff, but of course no one recognized me, which was what i told them too.

i asked for 5min frm liping & other frens to wait for my bill, but it turned out to be more than 15min eventually. as usual, i wanted to protect my cool & image. so i didn't explain more to liping on the phone and waited patiently for the bill though i did ask for it to be printed & settled then.

the main point of this thing is, i'm not too sure whether this whole thing was done out of happiness or dislike. at first look when in the situation, i felt that they were picking on the facts that i was perhaps vocal & "outstanding" and also always taking photos. i thought that they should have disliked these facts and so they were trying to tell me that. that's me. i've a strong sense of competitiveness & crisis. i interpret many actions as opposing me. for example people who get a post or do better than me, they win and i lose. so i'll feel i'm worse off that them. because of this kind of mentality, i interpreted their actions as against me, saying that i'm worse or bad. but looking back at it now, they were caught by surprise by me, so they shouldn't have had much time to sychronize their actions if those were truly against me. or perhaps they already had an agreed impression of me before that.

but it could also be the case where they just loved to talk cock and so they just kept talking and complementing one another. they really looked and sounded quite happy laughing away and wasn't at all unfriendly at any time. so it could be that they were not too sure of what the others were thinking anyway ... but they just continued talking. we guys have always been like that. it's just like a birthday strip kinda format.

in fact this whole society down here somewhat works like this too. when we talk we don't always mean it and are not always so sincere. we're not too sure of what one another are thinking or trying to say, but we just continue talking for the effects of it, placing less importance on the meanings of the content. this way of commnicating and socializing took me a while to accept when i was young, and has now been taking me time to excel in. i reall didn't like it when i was young and told people like my cycling buddy about it. but i guess now, i'm officially in the game, until i get out of the place.

alright, i think that i handled this well. it could have been a struggle or fight if i had turned nasty at their pushiness. but i put up a nice front & in the end the probable initial dislike became happiness and everyone's happy! :) perhaps this is how simple guys are?

perhaps a bit of background. i'm thinking i was too outspoken, vocal & attract attention when i was in army and gave people the impression i only take photos to slack off from duty. i still don't think i did anything wrong. i want to just be myself and freely express myself and be able to jump out of the norm and voice out whenever i think i need to, with the volume and force i want to. yup. so no regrets still. i hope not as many people dislike me now ... hah ...